Friday, April 18, 2014

Long time.....

It has been a long time since I have posted.  I started this blog for me and my issues with weight.  Well nothing has changed.  I am still over weight and still trying to change that and still failing. 

 It is hard to say that, because I know everything that I should be doing I just don't do it.  I have to figure out why.  Losing weight isn't easy.  It is hard work and I guess I am  just not good at hard work.  I am lazy.  I know that.  I can see it in my everyday life.  I would rather sit on my couch and watch tv or read then get up and move.  I have no self motivation.  I have low self esteem and very little self worth these days.  I hate feeling like a failure all the time. 

 I have everything I need in my house to succeeded.  I just don't use it.  I have a rowing machine, a treadmill, a stationary bike and an elliptical.  But most of the time they just sit there gathering dust.  For example as I sit here typing I am in my workout clothes and I know even being ready to go right into the exercise room there is a 85% chance I will never go it there, and that is bad!

 I am starting to have some medical issues due to weight.  I have had high blood pressure for a while now, but now my blood sugar levels are creeping up.  How has this not scared me enough to get working out?  Oh it did for about a week.  After that nothing. 

I have a decent life.  I have people who love me.  They want and need me to be here for them.  I just don't really love myself.  I have to find that love for me again.  I want to feel good about myself.  I  and good a faking being ok.  I would like to be ok.  I would like to have the energy to go and do more things. 

I was hoping that writing this all out and seeing it in print would help me.  I need to do some serious soul searching the next few days....

'Till then...

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